--*Snooki of the reality show Jersey Shore dies in bizarre a pre-show red carpet appearance after somebody accidentally pours salt on her.

--*Steven Tyler sings a musical version of his cease and desist order against his band mates in Aerosmith who would dare think to continue without him.

--*Lady Gaga arrives dressed as the Solar System. Scientists on the red carpet criticize her inclusion of Pluto, while Joan Rivers says she looks like Uranus.

--*American Idol sensation Larry Platt sings his surprise hit songs, "My Pants Are On the Ground," "Help I Need Insulin," "I Haven't Eaten In Three Days," and "What Are You Laughing At, I Just Said I Haven't Eaten in Three Days."

--*Lady Gaga dresses like an outrageous cross between a white tiger and a Lincoln Towncar.

--*To outdo her performance last year, when she performed while pregnant, the artist M.I.A. this year breaks water onstage.

--*Lady Gaga dresses like a suppurating appendix.

--*Stephen Colbert keeps the ceremony loose by reminding us its OK to laugh and to dislike tonight's Grammy-nominated music.

--*Colbert makes a joke at Susan Boyle's expense. Since she isn't at the Grammys in person, it's safe to say we're laughing at her not with her.

--*3-D "Grammy Glasses" handed out before the show allow viewers at home to be literally surrounded in mediocrity.

--*Michael Jackson is remembered for the spunk he put in every adult and child.

--*Beyonce's song "Single Ladies," beats out the Beatles, Shakespeare, quantum physics and Darwin's work on the evolution of the species as the apex of human achievement as far as Kanye West is concerned.

--*Taylor Swift is blonde.

--*The Black Eyed Peas debut their new song, "I'mma Drop M' Vowls."

--*Lady Gaga and Elton John appear covered in soot, spermaceti wax, No. 5 viscosity motor oil, cheese whiz, Gerber baby food and whatever else we can throw at them.

We have all recently heard a lot about a rising young music star named Taylor Swift, the teen pop/country sensation who was named Billboard's Artist of the Year and whose second release, Fearless, was named album of the year by the Academy of Country Music Awards. Besides her meteoric rise to fame, she is also known for her personal life. She is currently rumored to be dating Taylor Lautner.

If you, like me, are unfamiliar with Swift's music, my 10-year-old nephew Colin has penned a review of Fearless that explains all you need to know about this new musical heavyweight.

Taylor Swift Is Hot With A Capital H
(Or, How Much Taylor Lautner Is A Boob)
by Colin Miller

Taylor Swift is hot with a capital H. Her music is smooth, really great, and she should not be dating Taylor Lautner because he is a boob. Her music is touching. Her music can teach. She can sing really good. She is a hottie. If I ever get into Taylor Lautner's bedroom he better believe I'm going to get in his kitchen and steal a knife. He might have a gun on his shelf because that's the kind of thing that he does.

Her hair is silky smooth. She is really hot, like I said before. Her voice is really great. She is the best guitar player in the world. And she's 20, so that makes her hot. Her songs are the only ones that I know. "You Belong With Me." And "Romeo and Juliet." Those are good songs because she sings it good. They're not even good songs if my uncle sang it. And if she wasn't around, I would have no reason to live.

She is hot. She has good hair. She's skinny. She's only dating Taylor Lautner so she can dump him next year and make him feel like nothing. And she is a beauty. And she makes Britney Spears look like Fat Albert. And that's all I have to say about Taylor Swift.

You should go out to buy her album because I think it's a music video and you can make out with the screen. And her songs are really good because she actually sings good. She's not just pretty. She sings good. And you can buy her album in the next year--she's going to make an album about how much Taylor Lautner sucks.

Photo: Colin's rendering of Taylor Swift. Here she is seen kissing Colin while Taylor Lautner lies off to the side, cut in half.