(Originally posted Monday, May 26, 2008 )
2 CBS Sitcom: At the sound of the dulcet piano tones, the mediocrity will begin
2 ABC Kelsey Grammer remains on celebrity welfare
4 NBC American Gladiators: Female business consultant gets repeatedly kicked in the face as people without advanced degrees cheer on.
5 Fox A big sucking vacuum where American Idol used to be
6 Bravo A new fashion show: "Does This Really Look Good, Or Are You Trying To Turn Me Into A Little Bitch Boy?"
10 CNN Larry King will meet the American Idol finalists and learn all about American Idol, whatever that may be.
12 CMT Thus Spake Foxworthy
21 E! Entertainment Television Denise Richards: It's All Pretty Obvious
23 ESPN Boxing: Middle Weights Race To Brain Damage
24 National Geographic Mt. Everest Climbers Will Take Your Stunningly Bad Odds
25 A&E A repackaged version of a bad 40-year-old novel by hack Michael Crichton that is sure to expunge the memory of the unreadable book
26 Comedy Central Libertarians Telling Fart Jokes
27 Cinemax Tyler Perry finally creates the remake of the Japanese pornographic castration classic In The Realm of the Senses that we've all been waiting for
28 Discovery Channel Meet the Caribbean Indians who become paralyzed from the neck down so that you can eat at Red Lobster
29 History Channel Would it be too much to ask for, like, one show on the Gothic migrations or something like that? Or do I have to sit through more nonsense like "Monster Quest," a cryptozoology show that would be much better fare for a cable access show watched by guys with five foot bongs?
30 HBO A movie in which we point the camera at Seth Rogan and hope that he's funny.
31 HBO2 A movie in which we relive the 2000 Florida recount and hope that it's funny
32 Showtime With Anne Boleyn gone, "The Tudors" moves at a snail's pace during its third season and we are treated to much grousing by Henry VIII about his leg ulcers.
33 Lifetime "Sex and the Single Mom": The arrival of Grant Show induces labor in pregnant single woman
42 Cinemax Prehensile Attractions
43 Disney Hannah Montana feeds your family, bitch. So why don't you go get Hannah Montana a Diet Coke before Hannah Montana ends you.