--*Why Are We Skipping Tara Reid in 'Playboy'?

The most recent issue of Playboy magazine features a pictorial with actress and notorious party girl Tara Reid naked. Why might men want to skip this most recent issue?

--*They've already seen Tara Reid naked in the film Body Shots.

--*They've already seen the pictures of Tara Reid naked on the red carpet at a notorious P. Diddy party a few years ago.

--*They've not only seen the pictures of her at P. Diddy's party, but have noticed that she's undergone several flawed plastic surgeries that make her less appealing and a little alienating.

--*They've seen the pictures, noticed the plastic surgery and realized that her neurotic need to be perfect--when she was already pretty enough--also makes her less appealing.

--*They've seen the pictures, noticed the plastic surgery, and realized that the Tara Reid they are looking at now is largely a reconstructed Terminator version of the actress and that really they are masturbating to pictures of a robot.

--*They've seen the pictures, noticed the surgery, realized that they're masturbating to a robot, but also likely realized that Playboy so excessively retouches and airbrushes its women that pretty much every woman they're masturbating to in the magazine is a robot.

--*They've seen the pictures, noticed they're masturbating to airbrushed robots and realized that they are masturbating to an over-culturalized ideal of beauty in the first place and that their responses to Tara Reid are mostly conditioned by tastemakers and scum bags.

--*They've already seen Tara naked, noticed they're masturbating to the Terminator and realized that the whole idea of femininity is over-culturalized.

--*They've seen her naked, realized they're masturbating to R2-D2, and figured out that both men and women share masculine and feminine traits and that the cartoonish version of female sexuality that the silicone version of Tara Reid represents is degrading to both men and women alike and fails to address the fullness of a person's sexuality and humanity.

--*They've seen her naked before, they've realized they're jerking off to Robby the Robot, and they realize that all sexual attraction is an illusion based on a need to propagate DNA and that mostly the female object of the male gaze is an elusive and non-existent semion that represents only the male's ideal version of himself--an unachievable goal that leads him only to frustration and a lack of enlightenment.

--*Seven bucks? Jesus, the porn on the Internet is free!

--*Bus Accident Injures 17 (A News Story With Hot Links)

Farfalle, Wisconsin (API) A bus full of high school marching band students flipped over last Sunday night on the southbound Fremont Interchange after smashing into an SUV carrying a family of four, an accident that caused serious injuries to five of the students and three family members and tied up traffic for hours.

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Highway Patrol Sgt. Dan Meeder said that at 9 p.m. on Saturday, the busload of students from Tottenville were returning from an intramural marching competition when the bus driver noticed that the SUV had crossed into his lane and immediately began to skid until finally one of the tires blew off the vehicle.

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According to witnesses, the driver of the SUV, 48-year-old Daryl Mishengoss of Pearl Lagoon, was carrying his family back from a wedding when he began to drift into the lane of the bus, weaving first into the shoulder and then back across the lane a number of times before the bus driver, Sammy Pyle of Farfalle, swerved to avoid an accident, at which point he lost sight of the white stripes of the median and the bus flipped into a roll.

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After that, witnesses gave conflicting accounts of the ensuring crash. One motorist said that Mishengoss and his family were likely distracted by the multiple media players they were operating in the SUV, including a video monitor that was playing a movie.

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However, several of the parents of band members at the Tri-State Band Meet said that bus driver might well have become slightly intoxicated at the event and that, although the SUV was in the wrong lane, Pyle's vision might have been slightly impaired and his reflexes dulled by a higher-than-normal blood-alcohol level.

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Sgt. Meeder said that he could not confirm whether Pyle had been intoxicated and declined to reveal the results of a Breathalyzer test.

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Another officer, Dan Hernandez of Wickenham, said that despite the human error, there were other factors at play, including a faulty guardrail and several pot holes in the road. Hernandez said that this particular stretch of road is long overdue for highway repairs but has been a casualty of budget cuts for infrastructure amid economic malaise.

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"I think that this is going to bring a lot of attention to how badly this stretch of road has become," said Hernandez. "It's probably one of the most dangerous roads in the state."

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"I'm always afraid I'm going to get in a serious accident here," said Raoul Ortega, a house builder who lives part time in the U.S. and part time in Colombia.

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Most of the injuries were lacerations from broken glass ...

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... which was showered all over the road.

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Many teenage passengers from the bus lay bleeding on the road.

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Many travelers trying to get home for the night had to wait for hours while the police removed damaged vehicles from the scene. Some even left their cars and stood talking while a bottleneck half a mile long grew down the road.

"It's a real pain, but what can you do?" said Martin Rosenweig of Tottenville.

Got nothing to do in your car? Try Books on Tape.

Or an Apple IPod.

Or if you're a brand new driver, how about Texting Devices for Teens.

Or how about simple masturbation?

What’s In This Week’s Magazines?

(Originally posted Monday, August 11, 2008 )

What's In This Week's Magazines:

Rolling Stone: "Shia Lebeouf: Crazy Sexy Critically Injured in Car Accident"

Newsweek: "The Russian War In South Ossetia: Is Nationalist Irredentist Revanchism Becoming Too Hip For Its Own Good?"

National Geographic: "What's Causing the Collapse of Our Nation's Sandstone Arches? Is Nature to Blame?"

Sports Illustrated: "China Removes Smog Just In Time for the Olympics With Deft Use of Adobe Photoshop"

U.S. Catholic Magazine: "'This Whole Virgin Birth Thing Sounds Like a Crock,' And Other Questions You Are Likely To Encounter From Your Catholic Teen"

U.S. News and World Report: "How Green Is Your Coal-Fired Power Plant?"

People "John Edwards' Affair: How Will It Affect Global Climate Change and Rampant Poverty and Russo-Georgian Relations?"

OK Magazine: "People Magazine Gets Photos of Brangelina's Babies, But We've Got The Follow Up, Featuring Pictures of the Blood, the Umbilical Cords, the Afterbirth and Angelina's Sexy, Sexy Anal Prolapse."

Better Homes & Gardens: "Transform That Old Chair Into An Abortion Device"

Vegan Magazine: "Fake Leather S&M Gear: How To Be Cruel Without Being Cruel To Animals"

Leg Show: "You Wanted It, You Got It: It's Just Nothing But Pages and Pages of Feet"

Details: "A Woman Who Is Supposed To Be Talking About Men's Fashion Goes On A Post-Feminist Rant About How You Guys Don't Hold The Door Open For Her Anymore"

Playboy: "This Week's Nude Pictorials: A Distant 10th Place Runner Up On "Survivor," An Olympic Gold Medalist from 1978, and Somebody Who Has Had Sex With One of the Coreys"

Insurance Magazine: "How Does Your Puny, Unimportant Existence Change The Math On An Actuarial Chart?"

Us Magazine: "An Interview With Leona Lewis, The Woman Who Sings That Song About How She Keeps Menstruating"

New York Times Magazine: "'Statistically, I Don't Even Exist'--One Munchkin's Heartbreaking Tale"