--*What Are Some of the Most Popular New Internet Memes?

–*Rock star yourself

–*Mad Men Yourself

–*Avatar Yourself

–*Ewok Yourself

–*Jersey Shore Yourself

–*Do Something With Yourself

–*18th Century French Whore With Syphilis Yourself

–*Uninsure Yourself

–*Turn Yourself Into a Tea Party Crackpot

–*Join a Militia

–*Take Back Your Country From the Black People

–*Commune with Other People Who Share Your Unfocused Rage

–*Make Yourself Politically Aware Without Doing Any Reading

–*Do a copycat suicide

–*Mail in an application to become one of the millions of people who murdered John F. Kennedy

–*Set Fire To This Cartoon Tree

–*Set Fire To a Real Tree

–*The “start your own religion machine” tailored to your own particular belief system, one that rejects icons, accepts Jesus as four different substances, replaces fiat currency for a gold standard, acknowledges the existence of Bigfoot, and confirms the superiority of the Beatles over the Rolling Stones.

–*A new application that would show you how you might look different if you had any imagination whatsoever.

--*What Web 2.0 Functions Are We Now Using?

--*A special function that allows you to send dirty messages to prison inmates.

--*A special function that allows you to conk your congressman over the head if he supports health care reform legislation.

--*A special interface that allows everybody following Ashton Kutcher on Twitter to give him an electrical shock about one-tenth the intensity of the TASER.

--*A special function that incorporates a camera, voice-to-text translation, digital signatures, phone book, keyboard, microphone and e-mail so that you can speak to that cute girl across the room.

--*Virtual sugar.

--*”The Style Guide,” a Twitter-type interface that allows 20,000 people to instantly text you and tell you that the shirt you’re wearing makes you look gay.

--*The “Pedophile Filter,” making sure that you’re only chatting with real 11-year-olds.

--*Virtual blindness. An app you JUST CAN’T SEE!!

--*An application that sends you straight to the online advertisements you love, such as the girl who dances about her new subprime mortgage.

--*The subprime mortgage finder.

--*”Sheepfuckers Only, VIP”

--*A function that allows a million people to tell you instantly that you’re acting like a douchebag, Dick Cheney.

What False Internet Rumors Are Abounding This Week?

(Originally posted Friday, August 01, 2008 )

--*The United Kingdom, the University of Kentucky and Uncle Karl have removed the Holocaust from their teaching curricula.

--*Hearing loss can be reversed by the good people at Sparzo Vitamin Supplement Company, your number one alternative medicine resource.

--*John McCain's face has been totally removed

--*The economy is reviving

--*Amy Winehouse has been dead for several months

--Your high school reunion was a blast

--*The state of Michigan is now a Muslim theocracy

--*She will never be happy with your inferior length and girth

--*Bosnian-Serb war criminal Radovan Karadzic somehow won the 2001 Miss America pageant while in disguise

--*The best time to act is now

*OK, I didn't make it to my high school reunion last week, but I did hear it was a blast. At least that's the rumor on the Internet.