--*What's On TV Tonight, Jan. 10?

2 CBS
LL Cool J is so cool no matter what he does that we've decided to put whip cream on him and stick a log of butter up his ass to see if he can make even THAT look cool.

3 ABC
Extreme Makeover: Just because you're eating stray dogs in an alley doesn't mean the cardboard box you live in has to be an eyesore.

4 NBC
Network executives discover that even though Jay Leno is funny after the 10 o'clock news, he's not funny before the 10 o'clock news. Maybe Americans will just laugh at anything when they're in a bad mood?

6 Fox
<em>The Simpsons </em>has been on for 20 years. I think that we now have enough Simpsons episodes in the can to cancel everything else, wouldn't you say?

7 ABC Family
Americas Funniest Home Videos: Watch two chestnut horses pursue their legal right to get married in Oklahoma.

8 Animal Planet
Tonight on "Wild Recon," animal adventurer Donald Schultz goes after that most elusive of biospecimens in Orlando, Florida--the uncircumcised European tourist.

7 ABC Family
Harry Potter and the Uncircumcised European Tourist

7 ABC Family
America's Funniest Racist Graffiti

13 PBS Frontline
Canadians fleeing socialism continue to pour into our borders and must make up at least 81% of our population, notes an upstate New York gas station attendant.

15 The History Channel
Since you're not interested in Hannibal and his march on Rome, how about we do a documentary about the ghosts of old New Orleans prostitutes. Would that inspire your interest in history?

17 Golf
A Golf Channel Exclusive: "Driving With Wood: The Tiger Woods Story"

17 Golf
Tiger Woods: From The Head To The Shaft

17 Golf
Tiger Woods: Shooting 14 Holes And Counting

17 Golf
Tiger Woods: From The Car to the Curb

17 Golf
Tiger Woods: From the Curb to the Curb to the Fire Hydrant and Back To the Curb

17 Golf
"Holes, Putting and Grass--The Endless Joke Potential of the Tiger Woods Scandal"

17 Golf
Why is Tiger Woods giving up golf? Because he doesn't like the golf clap.

17 Golf
Why is Tiger Woods taking time off from golf? He has to work on his swinging.

18 E! Entertainment Television
What kind of wood doesn't float? Natalie Wood.

19 A&amp;E
One to hold the bulb and 100 to spin the room.

20 BET
So you can take her home like a six pack.

20 MTV
<em>Jersey Shore</em>: Is it too late to build a fence to keep out Italians?

20 MTV
How about the Irish?

22 Fox News
Nope, we pretty much just want to keep out the Mexicans.

When did we stop reading?

(Originally posted Monday, October 13, 2008 )

When did we realize that this novel wasn't going anywhere?

--*When we entered the mind of the family dog.

--*When God tries to fool Abraham a second time by telling him to sacrifice his other son Smitty, but this time Abraham's not going for it.

--*When Raskalnikov is feeling too guilty from murdering his landlady to have sex with his girlfriend Sonia and Sonia is OK with that. Whatever.

--*Daisy's water has broken while she makes her speech on the floor of the U.S. Congress (starring Julia Roberts in the movie.)

--*Christopher, having found out about his father's affair with member of the House of Lords, makes a psychological cry for help by falling down a neoclassical staircase with astonishing frescoes painted by Tiepolo to his untimely demise, leaving his unborn son an orphan.

--*Dante goes with his lover Beatrice to heaven but admits that the cosmology is ambiguous and that much of it is veiled to his eyes, which is a real cop out.

--*The author goes on 100 pages longer than he should describing the tundra.

--*The psychologist starts to identify with the face-eating cannibal dentist--a linguistics hobbyist with a sharp eye for New Century Modern.

--*The homemaker from Columbus tames the heart of the Bavarian born Secretary of State who helped craft the policy of detente with the Chinese but never really learned how to love.

--*Dobie Gillis seems doomed to fail with this love interest Sasha, the money grubbing blonde whore.

--*The communist partisans take over and a priest falls in love with a goat.

--*A bizarre performance artist who wears a suit of pennies walks starts talking in an extended, obnoxious and pedantic ode to Goddess worship in this Tom Robbins scenario.

--*After poring over 2000 pages of linguistic and comparative religions studies to prove that the cult of the Templars doesn't exist, Umberto Eco temporarily revives them just to kill off a minor prelate.

--*An anus starts talking.

--*...in imabic pentameter.

--*Whenever somebody ends up dead in a Michael Crichton novel and a small-town doctor begins talking about organized complexity theory.

--*Kathy Acker. Page One. Looks like somebody's going to be gang raped. Lots of French post-structuralist theory discussed.

--*Harry Potter uses his magical herbs to get the dog drunk.

What’s On TV Tonight, April 26

(Originally posted Saturday, April 26, 2008 )

2 CBS
"Cold Case": The detectives tonight open up the case of Karla Faye Tucker and discover that a young man named George W. Bush let her fry on the electric chair in Texas so that he could rise to national prominence. Lilly whines about her drunk mother.

3 ABC
Movie: "Harry Potter and the Iranian Fatwa"

4 NBC
"Medium": Allison knows how tonight's episode is going to end, just like everybody else who's ever watched television before.

5 Fox
"America's Most Wanted": Catching sexual predators is that much sexier when we have Miss America there to slap the cuffs on.

5 Fox
"America's Most Wanted": No really. They did that. Miss America.

7 Animal Planet
"It's Me Or The Dog": A Kansas wife refuses to watch "Melrose Place" with her husband's homosexual Jack Russell terrier any longer.

8 CW
We don't have Saturday night programming, so enjoy your local Indian bingo show. We'll start you off ... 16, 84, 92, 27...

9 Telemundo
"Shallow Hal": Jack Black es un hombre superficial. Gwyneth Paltrow es muy gorda.

10 CNN
Jenny McCarthy's on Larry King again, and by that I mean all over him like a redoubtable strain of mange

11 History Channel
Less history on the History Channel than ever

12 Hallmark
The last installments of the "Love Comes Softly" series: "Love's Unending Legacy," "Love's Unfolding Dream," and "Love's Antibiotic-Resistant Syph"

13 Discovery
Mythbusters see if Henry VIII and Katherine of Aragon could have had a son if they had just eaten more vitamin-fortified Wheaties. (TM)

14 DIY
Host Patrick Wayne teaches you how to make home-made pipe bombs from your kitchen sink and other household items to foment violent revolutionary overthrow in America.

20 E! Entertainment Television
The guy who played Screech deconstructs the Dana Plato death video ... and other famous Celebrity "Oops!"

21 Disney
Movie: "Beethoven's 4th." Judge Reinhold is working?

22 A&E
You Got Non-Consensually Rubbed! (reality)

23 CNBC
Suze Orman: "What To Do With A Depressed U.S. Dollar? Wear It!" How to turn that old cash into a nice suit.

25 Cartoon Network
Those Amazing Labia Heads

28 Showtime
How Much Bodily Fluid Do We Have To Show You To Convince You That This Show Is Edgy?

29 CMT
"Bitch Took My Gun" (Reality)

30 Bravo
"Millionaire Matchmaker"

30 Bravo
"Adult Pathogen Finder"

40 HBO
Failure To Launch

41 Crosswalk
"Democracy Now: An Hour of Thumbsucking Activists"

42 Sundance
How sustainable could the audience for these ceaseless sustainable energy documentaries possibly be?

43 Cinemax
Mr. Oral Retentive Meets Busty McCo-ed

44 QVC
Luggage

45 Food Network
Rice