--*What's On TV Tonight, Jan. 10?

2 CBS
LL Cool J is so cool no matter what he does that we've decided to put whip cream on him and stick a log of butter up his ass to see if he can make even THAT look cool.

3 ABC
Extreme Makeover: Just because you're eating stray dogs in an alley doesn't mean the cardboard box you live in has to be an eyesore.

4 NBC
Network executives discover that even though Jay Leno is funny after the 10 o'clock news, he's not funny before the 10 o'clock news. Maybe Americans will just laugh at anything when they're in a bad mood?

6 Fox
<em>The Simpsons </em>has been on for 20 years. I think that we now have enough Simpsons episodes in the can to cancel everything else, wouldn't you say?

7 ABC Family
Americas Funniest Home Videos: Watch two chestnut horses pursue their legal right to get married in Oklahoma.

8 Animal Planet
Tonight on "Wild Recon," animal adventurer Donald Schultz goes after that most elusive of biospecimens in Orlando, Florida--the uncircumcised European tourist.

7 ABC Family
Harry Potter and the Uncircumcised European Tourist

7 ABC Family
America's Funniest Racist Graffiti

13 PBS Frontline
Canadians fleeing socialism continue to pour into our borders and must make up at least 81% of our population, notes an upstate New York gas station attendant.

15 The History Channel
Since you're not interested in Hannibal and his march on Rome, how about we do a documentary about the ghosts of old New Orleans prostitutes. Would that inspire your interest in history?

17 Golf
A Golf Channel Exclusive: "Driving With Wood: The Tiger Woods Story"

17 Golf
Tiger Woods: From The Head To The Shaft

17 Golf
Tiger Woods: Shooting 14 Holes And Counting

17 Golf
Tiger Woods: From The Car to the Curb

17 Golf
Tiger Woods: From the Curb to the Curb to the Fire Hydrant and Back To the Curb

17 Golf
"Holes, Putting and Grass--The Endless Joke Potential of the Tiger Woods Scandal"

17 Golf
Why is Tiger Woods giving up golf? Because he doesn't like the golf clap.

17 Golf
Why is Tiger Woods taking time off from golf? He has to work on his swinging.

18 E! Entertainment Television
What kind of wood doesn't float? Natalie Wood.

19 A&amp;E
One to hold the bulb and 100 to spin the room.

20 BET
So you can take her home like a six pack.

20 MTV
<em>Jersey Shore</em>: Is it too late to build a fence to keep out Italians?

20 MTV
How about the Irish?

22 Fox News
Nope, we pretty much just want to keep out the Mexicans.

--*What's On TV Tonight, November 21

2 CBS
Survivor: the Andean Mountain Uruguayan Soccer Team Challenge

4 NBC
Tina Fey delivers another awesomely written episode of 30 Rock that you won't watch because you'd rather see Ray J drink champagne off the nude body of a developmentally disabled cocktail waitress.

5 E! Entertainment
Slowing Down For the Kardashians

6 ABC
From the Nokia Theater, the American Music Awards featuring Taylor Swift. Swift and Kanye West perform a unity medley of Elmo's greatest self-esteem songs.

6 ABC
On Oprah, porn star Jenna Jameson shows she doesn't know the difference between good attention and bad attention.

7 PBS
Frontline examines how medical marijuana is now being prescribed for glaucoma, hyperactivity in children, anal expulsive personality disorder, low self esteem and poverty.

7 CNN
Lou Dobbs puts up a fence in his own back yard and declares his own house free of Mexicans, at least the ones he's not married to.

7 CNN
On Larry King, former Miss California USA Carrie Prejean continues to show that she doesn't know the difference between good attention and bad attention.

9 The History Channel
Catherine the Great is remembered for also being a great lover of animals. A really great lover.

10 MTV
If The Hills were really unscripted, somebody certainly would have killed somebody else by now.

11 CW
Gossip Girl: OMFG! A 3some! WTF? LOL!

11 CW
Gossip Girl: Oh no! ABRT!

11 CW
Two Gossip Girls, One Cup

11 CW
Gossip Girl does not know the difference between good attention and bad attention.

11 CW
Gossip Girl: Hey, did anybody notice that the "threesome" entry on Wikipedia has completely gratuitous threesome pictures? A little off topic, but hey, I'm just sayin' ...

12 Fox News
Glenn Beck doesn't know the difference between good attention and bad attention. Yet that lack of self-awareness is refreshing, and has allowed us all to relax a bit and once again feel OK enjoying manifestly racist invective. Thanks, Glenn!

13 AMC
After watching Mad Men's Don Draper drink, womanize and verbally and physically abuse people, do any of us remember why we ever liked him in the first place?

14 Fox News
After watching Sarah Palin lie, back stab, quit her job, pander to idiots, mangle language, manipulate her family, infight with co-workers, exhibit total ignorance about global affairs and exploit her looks to cover up her lack of substance, do any of us wonder why she's not starring on AMC's Mad Men yet?

14 Fox News
Sarah Palin doesn't know the difference between good attention and bad attention. Or that Africa isn't a country.

15 HBO
Boogie Nights, a rip-off of Martin Scorsese movies with no ending

15 HBO
Magnolia, a rip-off of Robert Altman movies with no ending

15 HBO
There Will Be Blood, a rip-off of Stanley Kubrick movies with no ending.

15 HBO
The Dukes of Hazzard, a rip-off of the William Shakespeare classic, A Midsummer Night's Dream.

15 HBO
The Muppet Movie, a retelling of the legend of Galahad, in which a knight of pure heart in the form of a frog seeks the cup of glory, a frog who embodies a code of chivalry and romance that none of his peers can match and which engenders in him a contempt of the world and it of him, his unworldliness both holy but also cold and tragic.

16 Cinemax
Fellating For Godot

17 HGTV
Martha Stewart Presents: How To Throw A Family Fight That Tastes Like Christmas

18 We
We is the channel that celebrates women. Next up, a bunch of catfighting, money grubbing bitches from Great Neck going through the Change.

What’s On TV Tonight?

(Originally posted Tuesday, November 11, 2008 )

2 CBS
The Mentalist uses his razor sharp powers of human observation to notice that a young female cop is playing with her hair, which means she's probably into him. Sarah Palin guest stars.

2 CBS
Heidi Montag, accused of having no talent, goes on a prime time sitcom to prove categorically that she has no talent. Sarah Palin guest stars.

3 Fox
This new show has got you all beat. It's a cross between "The X-Files," "Medium," "Altered States," "The Twilight Zone" and three or four cheesy David Copperfield specials.

5 ABC
Dancing With a Hard-To-Close Open Wound

6 Bravo
Real Housewives of New York with Real Pediculosis Pubis. Guest starring one or both of the Coreys.

7 QVC
When Mormons Wearing Synthetic Fibers Attack

10 CNN
Wolf Blitzer speaks to a hologram of Sarah Palin. In three dimensions she's not just cute. She's downright huggable.

11 NBC
Guest star Sarah Palin visits in the ER and, over the objections of the chief surgeon, performs an emergency PPPD--including the removal of the gall bladder, the duodendum and the head of the pancreas--even though she's not remotely qualified.

12 PBS
If you bleep out the right words, it's like the Count is saying he wants to f#*$ all day.

14 Soap
All My Children: Why is Kendall so much more fuckable with a head bandage?

15 History Channel
A look at when doomsday might happen and other irresponsible, time-wasting uses of this "educational" channel.

15 History Channel
In fact, this channel, which should be teaching me about the Mongol Empire or something like that, seems to have become some sort of rat trap/no-pest-strip for crazy Christian "end of days" people who are coming over here after getting themselves wound up watching serial killer shows on CBS. You know, the gun-stroking/fetish/death drive/infantilization crowd.

15 History Channel
Guess what? Sarah Palin's here!

16 Headline News
Barack Obama makes announcements about how he is going to handle his awful, awful, awful new job.

17 HBO
Is it me, or are the guys on "Entourage" acting extra douchey this year?

18 Cinemax
Clitty Todd

19 Showtime
A new original series. Bet you've never seen this fluid in a prime time cable show before.

20 MTV
"In The Mouth or in the Ass?" A despicable new game show with Danny Bonaduce.

21 VH-1
Mr. Science Jeff Conaway takes you on a personal journey through the Freudian phenomenon known as "compulsion to repeat."

Fox News Continues To Report Republican Mississippi Win

(Originally posted Friday, November 07, 2008 )

Jackson, Miss. (AP) In a stunning blow to Democrats around the nation, incumbent U.S. Senator Roger Wicker of Mississippi edged out challenger Ronnie Musgrove three days ago, Fox News continues to report.

"This was a clear message to voters," said Karl Rove, Fox pundit and former deputy White House chief of staff. "The Democrats poured a lot of money into the state, but they could not shake the convictions of these salt of the Earth people. These poor, poor, shoeless people."

Despite a concerted effort by Democrats, a get-out-the-vote drive well-lubricated with millions of dollars from the national Democratic senate campaign committee, Mississippians delivered a fatal blow to Musgrove and helped quash the hopes of party leaders trying to win a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate, Fox News belabored. That effort against Musgrove signaled the resilient conservative conviction of these dirt-poor, daub-and-wattle house dwellers and bottom feeders.

"What the Democrats got wrong this week is that we are a center-right nation," said Fred Barnes of Mississippi. "This stunning blow to their agenda is going to send them reeling, as they consistently underestimated the religious beliefs of Mississippians, people who regularly score at the bottom of the national standardized tests."

Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol concurred.

"This victory tells us again what Americans already know: There is no health care crisis. The economy is sound. Americans don't want liberals to 'spread the wealth.' We can all follow the example of Mississippians who bravely resist this government intervention in their lives and thus on principle live in abject, reeking poverty."

"These people's belief in Jesus cannot be diminished or expunged," said Barnes. "They walk around without shoes like he does. They live among crumbling infrastructure like he did."

Brit Hume asked fellow anchor Chris Wallace if this stunning defeat meant the end of the Democratic Party.

"It's hard to say," said Wallace. "We see a lot of anger out there. Anger from people who have spoken and demanded their right for lower taxes and freedom from socialist tendencies. Those Democrats who are winning are benefiting mostly from a perfect storm of bad economic news ... and other acts of God. Their temptation is to use this opportunity to push forth an aggressive, radical agenda. But Musgrove's defeat on Tuesday will likely have helped roll that back."

Wallace added that Mississippians had simply been unlikely to fall for Democratic rhetoric, "grievance politics," he called it, because the state's citizens are more by-the-bootstraps kinds of people, those who are unafraid to go to work and hew to their conservative principles despite bouncing around the bottommost rankings in wealth, economic growth, literacy, health care, obesity, childhood poverty, and death by firearm.

"If these people in their god-loving trailers haven't shown the American spirit in its purest distilled conservative form I'll flash my bum in Macy's window," said Rove. "This is a great day for Republicans and a great day for Americans."

What’s On TV Tonight, Sept. 6, 2008

(Originally posted Saturday, September 06, 2008 )

2 NBC
Law & Order: Ice Cream Headache

3 ABC
Sexy L.A. Podiatrists In Breach of Ethics

4 CBS
48 Hours Mystery: A man on the lam for murder hides as a fugitive for 20 years working as a sous chef. Lesley Stahl tries his surprisingly tasty brisket

5 Animal Planet
Animal Cops San Diego: Animal cops reveal key to dolphin psychology: "They're just really horny" says female animal cop.

6 Fox
America's Most Wanted scrapes the bottom of the barrel and goes after people stealing cable

10 CNN
The Osmonds Run For President (Can They Win?)

11 Headline News
Nancy Grace licks hand, wipes blood off mouth

12 Lifetime
Looks like cute little Crystal Bernard's got herself in a bit of a peccadillo!

20 Prayer Network
Why did God cause 9-11? Did we do something wrong?

21 Fox News
Connection between Barack Obama, Hitler and people who eat their families' brain stems revealed by unemployed schizophrenic truck driver. That's good enough for Sean Hannity.

22 TNT
Movie: "Air Force One." Followed by a short film: "How 'Air Force One' Marked My First Political Awakening as an Adult American."

23 E! Entertainment
"Keeping Up With the Kardashians": A bunch of adult Americans

24 Bloomberg
If we had even a bit of good news about the economy, it'd just be enough to make you bitter

48 FX
Zombie Osmonds Run For President (Brains! Eat brains!)

49 C-SPAN
Sorry, Libertarian conference can't really help you with affordable housing topic. Or date rape. Or ... no, can't really help you with global warming either. That's not what we're really about. We do want the government to leave us alone, though. You want to talk about that? No? OK. Well, vote for Ron Paul!

86 Crosswalk
"Democracy Now": "You Are Too Pussy To Really Look At How Ugly Your Country Is" and other good-timey folk songs

87 Independent Film Channel
I'm really tired of watching Bijou Phillips get raped in every film she's in. Does she just have that hate fuck mien or something? Whatever happened to psychotic ex-models just kissing and holding hands?

88 Turner Film Classics
A weeklong salute to Kay Francis. Which is our way of saying: "Not watching us? Who gives a f*?"

89 HBO1
"Flight of the Conchords" is coming back for only one more season because they ran out of songs. Jesus, guys! Write more songs!

90 HBO2
We're raping Bijou Phillips on this channel, too. Enjoy!

92 Telemundo
Violacion en grupo con Bijou Phillips. Disfruta!

93 Home Shopping Network
Enjoy this bijou. No, not like that!