What’s On TV Tonight, May 13

(Originally posted Wednesday, May 14, 2008 )

2 CBS
If I thought there were as many serial killers in real life as there are on CBS shows, then I, too, would probably be a home-bound, agoraphobic, paranoid, right-wing, CBS-watching freak.

5 Fox
A very sad "American Idol" when perky contestant David Archuleta, no longer being dominated by his harsh father, and sensing the deterioration of audience interest, loses all guidance and inhibition and moral compass and yells out "Who wants to fuck me now, bitches?" Which is what happens when your dad (and American Idol) keep you a baby for too long. Carrie Underwood will probably do it next.

5 Fox
Hell's Kitchen: "This is actually a pretty good flambé, you piece of fing sh, stupid a* c* face mother fker."

7 ABC
Kristi Yamagucci has a terrible fall during "Dancing with the Stars" and sadly has to be euthanized on the dance floor

10 CNN
Hillary Clinton breezes through the West Virginia presidential primary with her new campaign slogan: "I feel your illiteracy."

14 History
An archaeologist carrying a bullwhip like Indiana Jones inadvertently destroys thousands of ancient potsherds

20 Independent Film Channel
A Mother's Day treat featuring "Spanking the Monkey," "Luna," and "Oedipus Rex."

21 Telemundo
"Spanking Los Monkeys": Un hombre disfruta sexo con su madre."

22 E! Entertainment Television
The Top 10 Celebrity Orifices

23 HBO
Relive the classic ending of "The Sopran ...":

24 Showtime
Tonight on "The Tudors," lots of stultified melodrama makes sure that English history remains cold, abstract, and uninteresting, but a lot of naked breasts keep things grounded in the here and now.

25 Fox News
If Sean Hannity can outwit John McCain, then just think what the Iranians, Chinese and Russians can do.

26 Lifetime
Movie: A fact-based story about an inspiring female. Not factual. Just fact-based. We made up the parts about the abusive husband, the growing up in poverty and the alcoholism, but the scholarship thing is true.

27 MTV
"Shot at Love With Tila Tequila": Tonight's revelation: Tila has smallpox, herpes and scrofula. Still want her?

28 Oxygen
"The Bad Girls Club." The bad girls realize all of a sudden that they are simply puppets in a controlled sociological experiment, and soon form an enlightened proletariat class-consciousness that allows them to rise up and begin killing members of the TV crew, the producers and members of the audience.

29 Cinemax
Max After Dark Movie: "Naked And Foreclosed Upon"

30 VH-1
A VH-1 special about the sexual revolution that misses most of the intellectual changes going on in the '60s and mainly focuses on the nudity.

31 We
Women Behind Bars: You might die old in prison, but your caged heat is timeless.

32 Animal Planet
Weird Canary Island Fighting Dog Sex Cults

33 Crosswalk
George W. Bush offers a compelling epistemological insight that "I invade countries, therefore I exist."

34 Crosswalk 2
... which pretty much sums up history in a nutshell, doesn't it?

American Idol Secrets ... Shhhhh!

(Originally posted Sunday, April 20, 2008 )

Top Secrets of American Idol Contestants

It was recently revealed that American Idol loser Kristy Lee Cook was proposed to by her boyfried several weeks ago. What other American Idol secrets are just now coming to light?

--*Pixie-like urchin David Archuleta doesn't even like singing. He's doing this all for his dad and he wishes it would just fucking end.

--*Michael Johns likes walking around Rodeo Drive wearing nothing but a Polo shirt so that his kibbles and bits dangle out and stop traffic.

--*Carly Smithson has fought for the cause of a united Ireland by personally killing several Sons of Ulster with her bare hands.

--*David Cook is a thrill-eater and enjoys hunting endangered species of dolphin to functional extinction.

--*Brooke White likes driving a "car," a mobile device with a large carbon footprint that is slowly depleting precious oil reserves and destroying the planet. These items are sometimes made by a company called "Ford" and come in bright red, yellow and blue colors that appeal to Brooke's infantile response mechanism.

--*Kady Malloy's secret is that she is not remembered by anybody.

--*Syesha Mercado's secret is that she thinks ganster rap music was a government conspiracy invented to encourage black people to kill each other. OK, not really. But wouldn't that be pretty stupid if she did believe that, Alicia Keys? I mean, wouldn't that be a schizophrenia kind of stupid? Ms. Keys?

--*Jason Castro's secret is that he is actually an 8-week-old American cocker spaniel.

--*Ramiele Malubay's secret is that despite her diverse and rich ethnic heritage, having lived in a number of countries, she has still managed to become the most mealy-mouthed, uninteresting person on the planet.

--*Kristy Lee Cook's secret is that she sold her horse to afford a trip to Philadelphia to audition for American Idol. (Which means, somehow, that a trip to Philly is more expensive than a barrel horse, which goes for $5,000 to $20,000 -- more expensive than a trip to Hong Kong, certain kinds of subcompact cars, and surgery to have your appendix removed. Too expensive for somebody who has already had one Arista contract and raised horses as a business. Wow, does that story strike any of you as complete bullshit? Or does Philly really NOT love you back.)

--*Chikezie Eze's secret is that he can sing you out of those panties.

--*David Hernandez's secret is that the panties were already off when he got here.

--*And the final American Idol secret is that all of these people have already had record deals, and your favorite show is a sham. Shame on you all.