(Originally posted Monday, May 26, 2008 )

2 CBS Sitcom: At the sound of the dulcet piano tones, the mediocrity will begin

2 ABC Kelsey Grammer remains on celebrity welfare

4 NBC American Gladiators: Female business consultant gets repeatedly kicked in the face as people without advanced degrees cheer on.

5 Fox A big sucking vacuum where American Idol used to be

6 Bravo A new fashion show: "Does This Really Look Good, Or Are You Trying To Turn Me Into A Little Bitch Boy?"

10 CNN Larry King will meet the American Idol finalists and learn all about American Idol, whatever that may be.

12 CMT Thus Spake Foxworthy

21 E! Entertainment Television Denise Richards: It's All Pretty Obvious

23 ESPN Boxing: Middle Weights Race To Brain Damage

24 National Geographic Mt. Everest Climbers Will Take Your Stunningly Bad Odds

25 A&E A repackaged version of a bad 40-year-old novel by hack Michael Crichton that is sure to expunge the memory of the unreadable book

26 Comedy Central Libertarians Telling Fart Jokes

27 Cinemax Tyler Perry finally creates the remake of the Japanese pornographic castration classic In The Realm of the Senses that we've all been waiting for

28 Discovery Channel Meet the Caribbean Indians who become paralyzed from the neck down so that you can eat at Red Lobster

29 History Channel Would it be too much to ask for, like, one show on the Gothic migrations or something like that? Or do I have to sit through more nonsense like "Monster Quest," a cryptozoology show that would be much better fare for a cable access show watched by guys with five foot bongs?

30 HBO A movie in which we point the camera at Seth Rogan and hope that he's funny.

31 HBO2 A movie in which we relive the 2000 Florida recount and hope that it's funny

32 Showtime With Anne Boleyn gone, "The Tudors" moves at a snail's pace during its third season and we are treated to much grousing by Henry VIII about his leg ulcers.

33 Lifetime "Sex and the Single Mom": The arrival of Grant Show induces labor in pregnant single woman

42 Cinemax Prehensile Attractions

43 Disney Hannah Montana feeds your family, bitch. So why don't you go get Hannah Montana a Diet Coke before Hannah Montana ends you.

(Originally posted Wednesday, May 21, 2008 )

What Could Be Worse Than A Bryan Adams Medley on American Idol?

--*A trepanning

--*Having our scrotums shaved by the Manson Family

--*Q-Tipping our inner ears with our fingernails until we touch brain

--*Having a large beefy scrofula on our necks and trying to hide it uncomfortably during a party at Tavern on the Green with a monogrammed wedding napkin

--*Having a tongue covered with papillomas

--*Drinking a masonry jar full of the sweat of WWF wrestlers

--*Having our bowels eaten by a three-headed hell hound burrowed deep inside our stomachs

--*...on a stalled elevator

--*...in Orlando

--*Shitting shards of glass

--*...while talking to an insurance agent about term life

--*...in Orlando

--*A suppurating appendix in Haiti

--*A gunshot wound to the stomach

--*...when one to the head would be a lot more merciful.

And so you ask, Eric why are you watching if you don't like the dulcet tones of Bryan? Well, I wish I could get away from his banality for two seconds, but unfortunately, his music pollutes elevators, drug stores, AM radio and every other place I might try to walk freely in search of beauty. If you, like I, feel like Bryan Adams has poisoned your environment, I suggest as an antidote going to listen to the first two Velvet Underground albums three times in a row, which thoroughly cleans the body of all the world's mediocre, false bullshit, sort of like a spiritual Drano.

Say Drano, Eric

P.S. I invite all of you to contribute more things that are worse than Bryan Adams. I challenge you all, especially team players--Sir Gene and Dames Fran, Jen and Lori. I dub you all defenders of the faith for your past efforts.

P.P.S. What happened to George Michaels, man? He could barely get any breath out during his AI performance. I thought a bunch of cowboys were going to come out and we were going to have an Eight Belles moment.

PPPS. And remember, no matter who wins tonight, the big winner is always Satan.

(Originally posted Wednesday, May 14, 2008 )

2 CBS
If I thought there were as many serial killers in real life as there are on CBS shows, then I, too, would probably be a home-bound, agoraphobic, paranoid, right-wing, CBS-watching freak.

5 Fox
A very sad "American Idol" when perky contestant David Archuleta, no longer being dominated by his harsh father, and sensing the deterioration of audience interest, loses all guidance and inhibition and moral compass and yells out "Who wants to fuck me now, bitches?" Which is what happens when your dad (and American Idol) keep you a baby for too long. Carrie Underwood will probably do it next.

5 Fox
Hell's Kitchen: "This is actually a pretty good flambé, you piece of fing sh, stupid a* c* face mother fker."

7 ABC
Kristi Yamagucci has a terrible fall during "Dancing with the Stars" and sadly has to be euthanized on the dance floor

10 CNN
Hillary Clinton breezes through the West Virginia presidential primary with her new campaign slogan: "I feel your illiteracy."

14 History
An archaeologist carrying a bullwhip like Indiana Jones inadvertently destroys thousands of ancient potsherds

20 Independent Film Channel
A Mother's Day treat featuring "Spanking the Monkey," "Luna," and "Oedipus Rex."

21 Telemundo
"Spanking Los Monkeys": Un hombre disfruta sexo con su madre."

22 E! Entertainment Television
The Top 10 Celebrity Orifices

23 HBO
Relive the classic ending of "The Sopran ...":

24 Showtime
Tonight on "The Tudors," lots of stultified melodrama makes sure that English history remains cold, abstract, and uninteresting, but a lot of naked breasts keep things grounded in the here and now.

25 Fox News
If Sean Hannity can outwit John McCain, then just think what the Iranians, Chinese and Russians can do.

26 Lifetime
Movie: A fact-based story about an inspiring female. Not factual. Just fact-based. We made up the parts about the abusive husband, the growing up in poverty and the alcoholism, but the scholarship thing is true.

27 MTV
"Shot at Love With Tila Tequila": Tonight's revelation: Tila has smallpox, herpes and scrofula. Still want her?

28 Oxygen
"The Bad Girls Club." The bad girls realize all of a sudden that they are simply puppets in a controlled sociological experiment, and soon form an enlightened proletariat class-consciousness that allows them to rise up and begin killing members of the TV crew, the producers and members of the audience.

29 Cinemax
Max After Dark Movie: "Naked And Foreclosed Upon"

30 VH-1
A VH-1 special about the sexual revolution that misses most of the intellectual changes going on in the '60s and mainly focuses on the nudity.

31 We
Women Behind Bars: You might die old in prison, but your caged heat is timeless.

32 Animal Planet
Weird Canary Island Fighting Dog Sex Cults

33 Crosswalk
George W. Bush offers a compelling epistemological insight that "I invade countries, therefore I exist."

34 Crosswalk 2
... which pretty much sums up history in a nutshell, doesn't it?