The Retributioners - Eric's Blog

Entries in AAmerican Idol (2)

Monday

Feb012010

--*What Were Some of the Headlines From This Year's Grammy Awards?

Monday, February 1, 2010 at 01:52AM

--*Snooki of the reality show Jersey Shore dies in bizarre a pre-show red carpet appearance after somebody accidentally pours salt on her.

--*Steven Tyler sings a musical version of his cease and desist order against his band mates in Aerosmith who would dare think to continue without him.

--*Lady Gaga arrives dressed as the Solar System. Scientists on the red carpet criticize her inclusion of Pluto, while Joan Rivers says she looks like Uranus.

--*American Idol sensation Larry Platt sings his surprise hit songs, "My Pants Are On the Ground," "Help I Need Insulin," "I Haven't Eaten In Three Days," and "What Are You Laughing At, I Just Said I Haven't Eaten in Three Days."

--*Lady Gaga dresses like an outrageous cross between a white tiger and a Lincoln Towncar.

--*To outdo her performance last year, when she performed while pregnant, the artist M.I.A. this year breaks water onstage.

--*Lady Gaga dresses like a suppurating appendix.

--*Stephen Colbert keeps the ceremony loose by reminding us its OK to laugh and to dislike tonight's Grammy-nominated music.

--*Colbert makes a joke at Susan Boyle's expense. Since she isn't at the Grammys in person, it's safe to say we're laughing at her not with her.

--*3-D "Grammy Glasses" handed out before the show allow viewers at home to be literally surrounded in mediocrity.

--*Michael Jackson is remembered for the spunk he put in every adult and child.

--*Beyonce's song "Single Ladies," beats out the Beatles, Shakespeare, quantum physics and Darwin's work on the evolution of the species as the apex of human achievement as far as Kanye West is concerned.

--*Taylor Swift is blonde.

--*The Black Eyed Peas debut their new song, "I'mma Drop M' Vowls."

--*Lady Gaga and Elton John appear covered in soot, spermaceti wax, No. 5 viscosity motor oil, cheese whiz, Gerber baby food and whatever else we can throw at them.

American Idol Secrets ... Shhhhh!

Friday, February 13, 2009 at 05:28AM

Eric Rasmussen

(Originally posted Sunday, April 20, 2008 )

Top Secrets of American Idol Contestants

It was recently revealed that American Idol loser Kristy Lee Cook was proposed to by her boyfried several weeks ago. What other American Idol secrets are just now coming to light?

--*Pixie-like urchin David Archuleta doesn't even like singing. He's doing this all for his dad and he wishes it would just fucking end.

--*Michael Johns likes walking around Rodeo Drive wearing nothing but a Polo shirt so that his kibbles and bits dangle out and stop traffic.

--*Carly Smithson has fought for the cause of a united Ireland by personally killing several Sons of Ulster with her bare hands.

--*David Cook is a thrill-eater and enjoys hunting endangered species of dolphin to functional extinction.

--*Brooke White likes driving a "car," a mobile device with a large carbon footprint that is slowly depleting precious oil reserves and destroying the planet. These items are sometimes made by a company called "Ford" and come in bright red, yellow and blue colors that appeal to Brooke's infantile response mechanism.

--*Kady Malloy's secret is that she is not remembered by anybody.

--*Syesha Mercado's secret is that she thinks ganster rap music was a government conspiracy invented to encourage black people to kill each other. OK, not really. But wouldn't that be pretty stupid if she did believe that, Alicia Keys? I mean, wouldn't that be a schizophrenia kind of stupid? Ms. Keys?

--*Jason Castro's secret is that he is actually an 8-week-old American cocker spaniel.

--*Ramiele Malubay's secret is that despite her diverse and rich ethnic heritage, having lived in a number of countries, she has still managed to become the most mealy-mouthed, uninteresting person on the planet.

--*Kristy Lee Cook's secret is that she sold her horse to afford a trip to Philadelphia to audition for American Idol. (Which means, somehow, that a trip to Philly is more expensive than a barrel horse, which goes for $5,000 to $20,000 -- more expensive than a trip to Hong Kong, certain kinds of subcompact cars, and surgery to have your appendix removed. Too expensive for somebody who has already had one Arista contract and raised horses as a business. Wow, does that story strike any of you as complete bullshit? Or does Philly really NOT love you back.)

--*Chikezie Eze's secret is that he can sing you out of those panties.

--*David Hernandez's secret is that the panties were already off when he got here.

--*And the final American Idol secret is that all of these people have already had record deals, and your favorite show is a sham. Shame on you all.