What’s On Our Twitter?

(Originally posted Friday, September 19, 2008 )

What are we writing on Twitter?

Joey is brushing his teeth. (posted 8 a.m.)

Millie is picking her nose (posted 8:05 a.m.)

Sera is baiting rat traps (posted 9:16 a.m.)

Jerry is having sex and Twittering about having sex (9:30 a.m.)

Michael is having sex and dumping his shares of Morgan Stanley stock (9:45 a.m.)

Hank is having sex and also engineering the bailout of a giant insurance company as part of his capacity as Secretary of the Treasury.

Stephanie is in deep check. (9:52 a.m.)

George W. is doing absolutely nothing in what has become largely a ceremonial figurehead role greeting the members of the Spice Girls in the Rose Garden and reciting Persian ghazal poetry for the president of Costa Rica. (9:53 a.m.)

Amy is having sex. (9:45:30 a.m.)

Amy has just climaxed (9:45:45 a.m.)

Amy is now eating a whole bag of Chips Ahoy! (9:46 a.m.)

Amy is suffering from post-coital depression.

Amy is watching E! True Hollywood Story, the official show for post-coital depression.

Martha is having sex with Doogie (posted 10:22 a.m.)

Doogie is having sex with Martha's twin sister Debbie but Martha doesn't know. (posted 10:22 a.m.)

Debbie is having an iced latte at Starbucks and was supposed to have an assignation with her twin sister Martha's boyfriend Doogie, but she doesn't know where he is. (10:22 a.m.)

Doogie is apologizing to Martha for having sex with somebody he only thought looked like Martha but turned out to actually be Martha. (10:23 a.m.)

Dwayne is opening up the guts of a moose and sliding his brother Dack's body inside to stave off frostbite (11:00 a.m.)

Dack is covered in blood, guts, heart, spleen, shit and viscera (11:02 a.m.)

Todd is taking care of his children Track, Piper, Willow, Trig, Bristol, Jug, Spike, Spackle, Marmaduke, Spindle, Spud and Black Top

Rue is writing a tweet for Darla (11:30 a.m.)

Darla says she is sick of reading Rue's twitters, yet is still reading them anyway (11:31 a.m.)

Sam is eating Pop-Tarts, finishing a 1,000 page apocalyptic novel and committing suicide. (11:31:50 a.m.)

Rex is walking up to Daryl (11:32 a.m.)

Rex is pulling out a baseball bat (11:33 a.m.)

Rex is accosting Daryl with baseball bat (11:33.30 a.m.)

Rex is bashing in Daryl's soft tender brains with a baseball bat (11:33:45 a.m.)

Daryl is dead. (11:34:46 a.m.)

Sarah Palin is asking what's the difference between J. Edgar Hoover and a pit bull is. It's lipstick!

Sarah Palin is asking what's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull. Lipstick! Get it? The pit bull wears lipstick.

John McCain is asking what's the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom? The pit bull has more foreign policy experience.