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The Retributioners is about a woman's quest to seek validation and revenge on everything from ex-boyfriends, former friends, people who stole her taxi, and everything in between.

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Friday
Mar122010

--*'American Idol' Changes

Recent news reports have suggested that Howard Stern was under consideration to take over judging duties in future seasons of American Idol.

What other changes have the producers got in mind?

--*Wild huskies will be allowed to roam the studios while the contestants perform.

--*The female contestants will regularly be advised to take their clothes off

--*Ellen DeGeneres will be replaced as judge by a 90-year-old deaf Palestinian refugee

--*Kara will type in her comments from an IPhone and they will be transcribed on screen, if she feels like it.

--*An occasional streaker will run through the studio

--*The auditions will be cut short so that Howard can savagely attack Don Imus for 20 minutes.

--*Howard may interrupt the performances to plug a guy from Little Neck who sells brake shoes ...

--* ... and extol the virtues of good clean Lesbianism.

--*A contestant without a vibrato will be forgiven if she can shoot a ping-pong ball out of her vagina

--*Idol will now run with a continuous news crawl listing the pharmacological regimens of all the judges, including any benzodiazepenes, muscle relaxants or hormone replacement therapies that may be affecting their judging.

--*In a new segment, the Idol contestants will be assigned musical identities early on by Howard and Baba Booey so it will be easier for us to remember them--such as the bad girl, the "Goth girl," the baby mama, the teen heartthrob, the closeted gay, the not-closeted gay, the ex-crack addict, the widower, the orphan, the troubled veteran, the schizophrenic man without pants, the crazy female industrial glass blower and the housewife who swallows.

--*Gays will still never win

Friday
Mar122010

--*2010 Oscar Moments



What were some of the greatest moments of the 2010 Oscars?

--*The Academy expanded the list of best picture nominees to perhaps draw more interest from mainstream audiences ... and then drove those audiences away again with bizarre interpretive dance numbers that tried to recreate the drama of films like The Hurt Locker.

--*The guy who won for sound effects editing gave a really impassioned speech about the ... oops, guess we had to cut him off for time.

--*A bunch of tech geeks were honored in a separate ceremony, but you can see them struggling for a brief moment of your attention in this group shot. Oh, sorry, we had to cut for commercial.

--*Farrah Fawcett was remembered in the hearts of every academy member. But only in their hearts, because some asshole left her out of the montage.

--*George Clooney is so popular, he can even wear an uncomfortable frown all night just to throw you off and put you on edge. He's just toying with you. And you love it. You bitch.

--*Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin co-hosted and reminded the audience that low-key humility and the ability to poke fun at oneself is an actor's best weapon, you stupid, thoughtless little pigs.

--*Kathryn Bigelow made Oscar history as the first female to win for directing. In honor of the occasion, Italian film legend Lina Wertmuller is going to direct a remake of Point Break.

--*Sandra Bullock won the Oscar for The Blind Side which is only slightly more egregious than Barack Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

--*Mo'Nique reminded us in her speech that the Oscars are not about the politics. Which is inspiring until you realize that winning affordable health care pretty much IS just about politics.

--*Lauren Bacall won a special award. No, we don't want to know how she feels about it.

--*George Clooney racks up another trophy ... girlfriend.

--*Jennifer Lopez looks absolutely stunning in a dress by ... hey wait a minute, what in the fuck is she doing here?

--*Long-winded blowhard director Roger Ross-Williams is interrupted in his acceptance speech for documentary short by crazy-talking schizophrenic martinet experiencing hot flashes.

Image: Francesco Marino / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Friday
Mar122010

--*Au Revoir, Oscar



I watched the Oscars this year not at an Oscar party, but at a post-"Ed Wood" B movie party. How, you may ask, did that happen? Who would schedule a camp marathon on the night of the Oscars? Why is it that when Ryan Seacrest was trolling among the shallow pools of red plush looking for a bosom big enough, like Clooth Na Bare's lake, to drown himself in, I was taking solace in the bosom of Vampira and her statuesque physique and equally statuesque performance as an alien seed hatchling? Why is it that when George Clooney arrived dressed to the Nines, I was watching "Plan Nine From Outer Space"? Why is it that when Miley Cyrus arrived I was looking not into her saucer eyes but looking instead at a flying saucer on fire that oddly resembled the flaming hubcap of a 1978 Pinto hatchback? Why was I missing Mo'Nique and her hairy legs to watch Vampira and her leggy dregs?

Part of it was poor planning, but you might also attribute it to a lack of Academy Awards brio in yours truly. I am probably the only person on Earth who will tell you that I'm put off by the expansion of the Best Picture category to 10 nominees. The reason for this gesture of noblesse oblige by the academy, their opening of the gates to more films, possibly even bad ones, is that America has divided into two camps, the 1% of those who like good movies and then everybody else. It was time to offer a seductive hand, it seems, to lure back the other 99% of moviegoers who had stopped watching the Oscars because they knew they would not see the names Twilight or The Hangover or Medea's Family Reunion engraved on a statuette. Ever. Who knew that their favorite teen angst kitsch and piss-colored melodramas would never be rewarded with the bald trophy who shines like tears from the sun.

I have always loved the Oscars before. Unlike the almost useless Grammy Awards, a ceremony that tries to plant tent poles in the shifting sands of fashion, and ends up mostly rewarding, in the face of such an impossible task, technical prowess and blondeness, the Oscars have always seemed to me to be an actual arbiter of quality first. Sure, they've thrown in such horrible crowd-pleasers as Ghost from time to time, but only the Academy Awards would reach out to a small desert flower growing unnoticed in the vermilion cliffs and water it--such films as Chariots of Fire, perhaps, or performances like Hilary Swank's in Boys Don't Cry.

When business people evaluate stocks, they usually look at two values--what the price of a company would be if everything, including the paper clips, were sold today, and then what the mad crowd thinks its worth. This is a dangerous game with art, which is always given no value until it is suddenly given way too much value. The same with Oscars. Sometimes, when you give an award to a person who actually deserves it, the price of the Oscar goes up. An Oscar worth 50 cents when you give it to Sandra Bullock is worth $1.20 if you give it to Martin Scorsese. Such is the manic temper of commodity.

But this year, the hawkers of the statue seem determined to try to fix its value again (downward) by dangling more of them out to a field of contenders that was largely unworthy. 2009 was not a good year for movies. In fact, it merely confirmed the fact that "merely good" is somehow a worthy substitute for great, something it becomes harder to think as the years pass and that copy of Taxi Driver sits on your shelf, reminding you how things used to be.

I haven't seen Avatar, and maybe I should withhold judgment, but the fact is I can't be excited about it because I feel like I know who it was made for, and it wasn't made for me. I was supposed to be excited last year when the excellent franchise of Star Trek was revitalized, only to find out that a series whose stories once proceeded from big ideas and intellectual curiosity had been turned into a work of hostility by fetish monkeys--people who romanticize mass annihilation and are drunk on enfeebling spectacle. People who prefer to see Captain Kirk as an out-of-control alpha male oozing vengeance rather than the cool, if libidinous, master of the Socratic dialogue that he once was. Could anyone have ignored the irony that the filmmakers of the new Star Trek literally destroyed the old Star Trek reality with a freak time warp accident and a bunch of red goop, freeing themselves to reimagine these beloved characters as a pantheon of whiny Gen Y orphans and freeing the series forever from the yoke of seriousness? Is this how dies the free-thinking, stoic Rousseauian humanist that sprang forth in the 60s, to be murdered in an Oedipal tantrum? His history erased by gadget-loving latch-key kids with a working mom and absent dad who will forever be trying and failing to get in touch with his feelings and beating up lots of people in the process?

This sucks.

I harp on Star Trek only because it was one of the highest grossing films of last year. Its audience has won. They control the films we watch. So I don't feel like they deserve to invest the halls of the Academy too, pulling down the marble and pulling up the porphyry and purloining the columns and otherwise destroying the last of the great Empire that was the Hollywood of the '70s and building their Vandal camps all around.

I can find hope in the fact that a number of good, adventurous, innovative films did indeed win the night--films like Precious and Inglourious Basterds. I concede that quality was eventually rewarded more than commerce. But I can't help but feel that this breach between what's good and what's successful will continue to widen until we have two different industries and two different audiences. If you think America is polarized politically, then I ask you to imagine what it would be like if we are divided aesthetically. It may seem like a silly distinction. But then again, men with long hair and women with hairy legs were once able to change the world.

Bring on Mo'Nique, and her hairy legs.

Image: Francesco Marino / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Friday
Mar122010

--*What's On TV Tonight, March 4

2 CBS
Survivor: Lord of the Flies. Tonight, the tribes finally do away with Piggy.

3 FOX
American Idol: Everybody sings like Duffy this year and has diabetes.

3 FOX
Dead spouses and criminal records up the wow factor on Houseand American Idol both.

3 FOX
Ellen DeGeneres, Howard Stern and Grandpa from "Hee Haw" love Crystal Bowersox.

4 Vh-1
Beautiful and Infected (reality)

5 ABC Family
Keeping Up with the Palins

6 NBC
Palin Fear Factor

7 Vh-1
Palin of Love

8 Bravo
Growing Up Palin

9 Discovery
How Little Palins Are Made

10 History Channel
A new game show: Genocide or Not Genocide?

11 CNN
A new wrinkle in the New York governor scandal: David Paterson is also apparently deaf.

12 700 Club
A spot news report: While God apparently vacations on other side of the world, a catastrophic earthquake strikes Chile.

13 MTV
Punch Snooki in the face once, shame on you. Punch Snooki in the face twice, shame on Snooki.

14 Lifetime Movie
At the sound of the crying, the self-knowledge will begin.

14 Lifetime Movie
Mark Harmon: Not dead.

15 Discovery
Because of environmental clean-up efforts, biodiversity returns to New York Harbor--just in time for global warming to flood and kill everything.

16 Bloomberg
A look at the companies that by virtue of their sheer size can be the biggest alternative energy producers and the biggest polluters at the same time.

17 700 Club
Economic Outlook: Why Christians Should Hoard Gold

18 Animal Planet
Dolphins Talking Shit

19 Spike TV
A new reality show: "Douche Town"

20 Cinemax
Beaver Trapping with the Palins

Wednesday
Mar032010

--*Washington, D.C. Stripper Blasted for Incompetence

Sally Jessie Rose, a 52-year-old stripper who works at the Bare Elegance Lounge in Washington, D.C., was blasted yesterday by both Democratic and Republican lawmakers alike for her horrible dance routine and shocking disregard for quality adult cabaret entertainment.

"This stripper is just terrible," said Rep. Jackson Peyton (D-Idaho). "I mean, it's OK to tease, but it's not a tease anymore if it lasts for, like, four hours. At what point does she just take it off?"

"There is no inspiration in her moves at all," said Jefferson Potlach, a Republican representative from Wisconsin. "It's like she can barely be bothered to take off her clothes in front of us."

Rose did her strip routine some four hours after the Senate agreed to pass a bipartisan bill extending unemployment compensation, legislation that passed in a highly polarized political atmosphere in which gridlock has become the order of the day. However, the jobs bill and Sally Jessie Rose's horrible and chafing lap dance were encouraging areas of bipartisan consensus, said President Barack Obama.

Though we have differences about execution, both Republicans and Democrats agree that unemployment is a top priority, and that Sally Jessie Rose's feather boa routine was lackluster and hostile, just the sort of negative, 'I don't care' attitude that brings us all down."

Senator Jim Bunning, a Republican from Kentucky, had threatened to hold up the jobs bill because he thought it would add to the deficit.

"This is a free market economy," said Rep. Jim McAllen of Utah. "At some point, the market must sustain itself, and the market will take care of those who are responsible and those who are irresponsible. This Sally Jessie Rose person, for instance, is not getting any sort of tip from me. The market knows what to do with her drag-ass, low burlesque routine."

Wednesday
Mar032010

--*Technology Journal, Or How I Won The Browser War With Lots of Screaming and Crying

Though many of us are computer users, few of us are computer experts. We may know how to plug a modem in, but few of us know the scripts, servers, circuitry and binary codes that are the lifeblood of daily virtual reality. When we run into problems with our machines, we tend to respond to them the way we would to other complex behavior--in other words, we think of them as other people. Thus we not only become frustrated by computer failures, but we personalize them as well.

The problem with a lot of us is that we're not linear thinkers, and have a hard time imagining computers as the bundles of processes, Boolean choices and scripts that they actually are. Again, we tend not to approach these problems in a straightforward, uniform fashion. And when I say "we," I definitely mean me.

I recently faced my own large computer problem--a Web browser malfunction that kept most of my Web pages from loading properly for almost two months, almost driving me to despair, off the Internet, and off my own blog.

In January, my Firefox browser begin hanging up, sometimes for several minutes at a time. I'm a journalist, of course, and don't have much time when I'm doing research to deal with finicky Web browsers.

As a way to help other people approach computer problems, I'll give you a step by step account of how I encountered my computer problem, isolated it and overcame it.

Here are the steps I recommend for dealing with a computer crisis:

Step 1. Go ballistic.

The first thing I did was scream, "You mother fucking piece of shit. I'm through with Firefox. I'm through with it. I'm going back to Internet Explorer. I'll give Bill Gates all my fucking money. I don't care. Piece of mother fucking shit put a fucking ice pick through my brain and end it all right now mother fucker."

Step 2. Think back to what was the last thing you did.

I tried to remember when the problem started. Could my browser have contracted a virus when I was on some rogue Web site, perhaps one that promotes Internet gambling or is dedicated to telling the pictorial tales of Jenna Jameson? I fished around on many a Web site and found that, indeed, there were new viruses that my Norton Internet Security 2009 might not find.

Like Woody Allen in Hannah and her Sisters, I thus convinced myself that my computer had become disease ridden and incurable, and that no anti-virus software could cure it. I decided after reading one page that I had the Vundo Trojan variant, and sought help from support sites. I then ran to the Microsoft Malicious Software removal tool on the same site.

Problem solved, right? Well no. After running the scan twice, a process that took several hours while I slept, I woke up to find that my wife had turned it off. I cursed her and told her she was a bitch and a harpy and she was determined to ruin us both with her meddling. Then I ran the program again. It found nothing. It said my system was clean. Happily, I turned on my computer only then my heart sank as once my Firefox browser quoth--like the raven quoth "Nevermore"--"Server not found. Server not found."

This was some two weeks into my debacle. My sanity and my marriage were on the line. I was soon distracted by another problem, which was an eviction notice, that forced me to forget the problem, or at least build a Berlin Wall around it in my mind and heart.

Step 3. Take your anger out on inanimate objects.

Yes, will certainly applaud me for my next straightforward approach to my problem over the next few weeks, which was to click the mouse relentlessly and angrily hundreds of times times until my desired page came or I had become tired and despairing and hungry.

Sigmund Freud once elaborated on a concept called "the death drive," or the compulsion to repeat. This, he said, was any individual's tendency to repeat acts over and over to continually bring his conditions back to normal, or stasis, the ultimate stasis, of course, being non-existence or death. I would just like to say at this point that computers are wonderful machines to practice this tendency on.

Pretty soon, I tried a variation on this compulsion by hitting CTRL-R to refresh my pages. When I wasn't working on this fetishization of my plug-in devices, I was over and over plugging in the same search terms for a supercilious and stuttering Google page: "Firefox won't load." "Firefox slow to load." "Firefox hangups." All of which brought me back to the same pages over and over, none of which seemed to be helping me with the problem. I commiserated with other users who said they were giving up Firefox. I got rid of my plug ins. I got rid of Ad Block. I opened in safe mode. Nothing seemed to help.

Step 4. Back to nature.

This was a good time to restore my pride by going off and doing something else I was good at. I like to write poetry. Also, there was a lot of change in my change jar to collect and cash. Digital photography has become a hobby as well. I reminded myself that I chose willingly when I was younger not to be good at technology, and that, no matter what the problem, I was sticking to that decision now. Who needs a fucking computer anyway, I asked myself.

Step 5. Take out anger on innocent people.

If you are a Democrat, you can attack Republicans on Facebook, or vice versa. Or you can argue about esoteric subjects with friends, like how stupid the Israeli Mossad is to carry out political assassinations on foreign soil just when a fragile detente has been achieved with the country's Arab neighbors.

Step 6. Check other programs.

Now this is where the fuzzy thinker like me benefits from having all that time off to do other productive things, because now, newly refreshed, with my head screwed on straight, I was able to approach the problem from a completely new perspective. My breakthrough came when I realized that it was not just Firefox but ALL my Web browsers that weren't working. I finally switched to Google Chrome only to discover that it shuddered and creaked like an old woman in the face of my ubiquitous computer threat. Yes, Firefox was innocent.

Step 7. Hat in hand, ask a friend for help.

Of course, I have only one friend I contact in these circumstances and he didn't get back to me. It wasn't enough my computer was belittling me, but to have a friend do it was all too much.

Step 8. Withhold friendship for a few months if he doesn't come through.

This is a bit of a tangent, but ...

Step 9. Check the operating system.

Obviously, it was my operating system. Microsoft had installed automatic updates, after all, and so likely rendered my Web browsers impotent. Naturally I would have to do a system restore. So I did one, which was as fruitless as the War of 1812. It occurred to me that maybe it was time to upgrade to Windows 7--to pay some $100 plus for the peace of mind that spending too much money brings bourgeois pigs like myself. I remembered, however, as I reached for the jade green box in Radio Shack, that when I was younger, poorer and smarter, I had never thrown money at problems. I couldn't afford to. I determined to win this battle through my intellect alone.

So I came home and banged my fist on the mouse hundreds of times again.

Step 10. Eat protein.

Eggs are a great source.

Step 11. Dig deeper into a new level of abstraction.

So I waded deeper into territory I didn't understand, this time into the murky waters of domain name systems. These DNSes are acronyms I barely understand, but I understood enough that perhaps the latest versions of my browsers had perhaps cluttered up my router. I had resisted attempts to check the router before this for a couple of reasons--for one thing I have a laptop using this router that was unaffected by these problems and furthermore, I hadn't encountered any other Internet problems with e-mail, so I never looked beyond the browsers for the problem. However, I read here that new versions of Firefox load multiple domain names at once with a process called "prefetching" and it's possible to turn this off. So I did by following the rules on this page. Thinking I was closing in on the problem, I rubbed my hands together.

Nothing.

Step 12. Write a novel.

Again, if you're a fuzzy thinker, especially one in the arts, you usually train your mind by focusing on problems in different ways. If the problem doesn't occur to you immediately, you need to flush it out somehow by doing something else for a while.

Step 13. Unplug the god damn Wi-Fi.

Sure enough, when I plugged my cable modem into my computer directly, all my problems cleared up. All my pages started to load. It was the router after all. I was as happy as a newborn just getting a bath. Only the thing is, I need the Wi-Fi for various reasons. What was wrong with the fucking thing?

Step 14. Pull out all your old boxes trying to find paperwork reminding you how you programmed the fucking Wi-Fi.

Programing a router was one of my least favorite exercises ever. I did it first with a techie friend and then with a nice lady from India who worked for Netgear, the manufacturer of my horrible machine. After chasing down passwords that were as old as the Bible, I tried to break back into my machine and look into its mysterious Rosetta Stone of codes and security procedures. The only advice I got from the message boards was to first upgrade the firmware.

Step 15. Look up "firmware" in the dictionary.

After finding out what it was, I found my Netgear model number on the company Web site, and found out there was indeed new software available for my machine. So I downloaded it and then, through the manual configuration panel in Firefox, upgraded this firmware to my machine.

Finally, miraculously, after months of tears and anguish and recrimination and water weight gain, all my browsers started working again. My router was the problem.

Now, obviously I am not bragging. I'm sure a technologically sophisticated person could have figured this out in an hour, whereas it took me a couple of months. I'm only sharing this story with you to inspire you if you have faced such problems yourself, and to let you know that, if you feel like putting your foot through your computer, you're not alone. Let my pathetic story be an appeal to you to see our common humanity. Or just laugh at me. I can take it.

Wednesday
Mar032010

--*What Are Some of the Strangest Olympic Figure Skater Dance Moves?

--*The bunny hop jump

--*The ballet jump

--*The mashed potato

--*The lindy hop

--*The kabuki theater pantomime

--*Talk to the hand

--*The busting a kneecap with a tire iron flourish

--*The Darth Vader death grip

--*The cat's-in-heat-again-and-rubbing-up-against-the-coffee-table reverse scoot

--*The "fleeing the shtetls hunched over in the snow" move

--*The drunk Cossack runs amok flail

--*The empathetic therapist crouch

--*The "too busy texting to look at you" dance, followed by a Toe walley

--*The sweet 16, protect-your-maidenhead pose

--*The "writing a check on your back" dance followed by a double axel

--*The nervously trying to bum a cigarette hand clap followed by a toeless lutz and a Mazurka



Saturday
Feb202010

--*Moving

Just to let you know that Stephanie and I have been in the midst of apartment hunting and moving (again) and so that's why my posts have been light. We hope to get back to a more normal schedule in a few weeks.
Saturday
Feb202010

--*Political Polls

What are some of the stats shaping our world on Feb. 19, 2010?

--*A poll in early 2009 found that 71% of Americans prefer to have universal health care, even if it means paying higher taxes.

--*However, in 2010, 46% of Americans are now against the current health care legislation in Congress.

--*Among those against, 35% are against it because they are against health care in general while 12% are against it because it doesn't go far enough. Three percent are for it because they are against health care reform in general and believe the current legislation effectively kills reform.

--*Seventy percent of political independents said that in 2008 they voted for Barack Obama because they voted for change.

--*In Massachusetts this year, independents voted for Scott Brown, a political conservative, in the traditionally liberal state because they were also voting for change.

--*One hundred percent of independents would prefer that things keep changing.

--*Eighty percent of independents describe themselves as angry.

--*Of those, 40% say they are swiping at imaginary bats.

--*Twenty percent of Americans say they are unsure if they are for voting against the current health care legislation in Congress or if they are voting against imaginary bats.

--*Of independents, 10% say they don't pay attention to political issues at all. Another 10% thought that health care reform was a good idea but that they were physically and emotionally intimidated by sign wielding members of the Tea Party movement and are just being pussies at this point.

--*Fifty percent of those who said they were for health care reform last year but against it this year said they changed their minds because they didn't realize that universal health care was a communist plot and now they are now better informed by members of the Tea Party.

--*Thirty percent of Americans feel unable to stand up to members of the Tea Party because they don't deal very well with angry people.

--*Fifteen percent say that angry spitting people railing at bats and communism make them insecure and impotent and unable to find their keys.

--*Eighty percent of adolescent boys use the term "retard" regularly.

--*One hundred percent of White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel uses the word "retard" regularly.

--*Ninety percent of those adolescent boys who use the term "retard" also think that Sarah Palin is hot.

--*Eighty percent of Republicans agree with Sarah Palin's policies.

--*Zero is the number of policies that Sarah Palin has put forward.

--*Twenty percent of those who have switched their position on the health care legislation believe that it will change their relationship with their doctor and 80% of them said that they don't argue very well when people are yelling at them.

--*Sixty percent of independents just like voting against people and don't have any political convictions to speak of.

--*Eighty percent of people who believe their federal tax rates have gone up over the past 10 years are retards.

--*One hundred percent of retards and people at the Heritage Foundation believe that low capital gains taxes are the only incentive for people to invest, as if a 20% tax on capital gains means the same thing as no capital gains at all. That means nobody would have invested in Microsoft in 1986 and had a $100 investment turn into $37,000 in 22 years, because they are such suck ass whiners about capital gains they would have instead kept their money in a mattress earning zippity do da. If higher capital gains rates hurt the economy and harm revenue, why did we have an Internet boom, and why did we, at the same time, balance the budget?

--*One hundred percent of retards believe that it's entitlement programs alone that are causing the current budget crises and not two horribly expensive wars along with huge tax cuts under George Bush.

--*Twenty percent of crazy people think the IRS is out to get them personally.

--*Twenty percent of crazy people think the CIA is out to get them personally.

--*Fifty percent of crazy rich people think Barack Obama is out to get them personally.

--*0.00002% of people think the girl who played Blossom wants to smother them with a pillow.

--*Ten percent of independents want a third-party candidate because they are trying to synthesize what's best about the positions of the right and the left.

--*The other 90% don't really know what the issues are because they're watching Jersey Shore. Is that JWoww built or what?

Tuesday
Feb162010

--*What Are Some of the Most Popular New Internet Memes?

–*Rock star yourself

–*Mad Men Yourself

–*Avatar Yourself

–*Ewok Yourself

–*Jersey Shore Yourself

–*Do Something With Yourself

–*18th Century French Whore With Syphilis Yourself

–*Uninsure Yourself

–*Turn Yourself Into a Tea Party Crackpot

–*Join a Militia

–*Take Back Your Country From the Black People

–*Commune with Other People Who Share Your Unfocused Rage

–*Make Yourself Politically Aware Without Doing Any Reading

–*Do a copycat suicide

–*Mail in an application to become one of the millions of people who murdered John F. Kennedy

–*Set Fire To This Cartoon Tree

–*Set Fire To a Real Tree

–*The “start your own religion machine” tailored to your own particular belief system, one that rejects icons, accepts Jesus as four different substances, replaces fiat currency for a gold standard, acknowledges the existence of Bigfoot, and confirms the superiority of the Beatles over the Rolling Stones.

–*A new application that would show you how you might look different if you had any imagination whatsoever.